I know it seems as if I’ve been missing for a while because I haven’t written any new post lately. The truth of the matter is that I needed some time, yes time to reflect. The last post “Precious Time”, I somewhat had to vent and air my feelings in order to remove the frustration. Even though I haven’t been writing, I have spoken to some wonderful friends who truly believe in my decision and more importantly, trust God. Melanie your words resonated in my heart which allowed me to view things differently and search for sincerity. Kevin, I heard you loud and clear!!! I will continue to surround myself with persons who will speak life into this situation. Sabrina…what can I said, we were destine to cross paths. God proves that with each conversation. My big sis in Christ, Jennifer you are a keeper!!! You spark a light in me each time we talk. It could be a week or a month but it always seems like yesterday. I love you!! Ms. Marcia, hugs and kisses. And you know my soldiers, warriors…Bill and Tammy, with you guys, I am running out of words but what can I say LOVE is always fitting. Toia, my busy bee – working working working, you always find time for me even if its a text. I appreciate your words of encouragement always. My boo, Moya….my heart just melts..there are no words. I thank God for you! Also to those who are not mentioned by name you know who your are, thank you – I love you just as much.
Matthew 11:15 He that has ears to hear, let him hear.
Simply put, this is the story God has given me. Its everyone’s choice to hear.
Ok, so I had the last CT scan done on June 11th. I knew my biggest plight was in the first test when I started the Gerson Therapy to stop this disease dead in its tracks. Furthermore, I knew that slow and steading was to be the continuing course. This is God’s plan that I understand the purpose in totality. The days after the test I went into hibernating. I disconnected somehow and allowed worldly feelings to set into bones overpassing my spirit. Although these feelings had somehow made their way in, I continued reading The Bible in most cases doing just that, reading. I wasn’t even sure if the words were sinking in but I knew to press on. I was reading the book of Matthew and a few daily devotionals here and there (surprising, coincidence, ordained….I’ll take ordained for $500 LOL). This book is filled with many parables on faith, the teachings of Christ, and His purpose to come and go that we may have everlasting life. Again, I felt as though I was aimlessly reading but prayed the words would store in my heart. I wondered how could I go from fully connected to feeling a void.
So let me skip to what everyone wants to hear, the test results. Well, to say the least the appointment for the results had to be one of the most confusing appointments of all time. My prayer for the results was that the cancer is stabilized and is not actively spreading to other organs. Well, prayers were answered. Thing 1 and Thing 2 are still contained in the right lung. The pressure from the swollen lymph node continues to come and go. As of right now, there is no pressure in the chest area. Now the confusing part, the report was written by a different radiologist than the first and second scan. The language was totally different from the first two scans. Here is how they were different. In the first scans the radiologist noted the significance of the large masses in the first test and the subsequent decrease in size in the second. Although written in medical terms, it was plain English to us. This test was more about the appearance of the masses. Here is where it gets a little sticky, the report starts off noting an increase nodular consolidation that went from 1cm to 1.6cm. As a person with masses in the lung the last words you ever want to hear are spread and increase (by the way, I/we are no longer identifying this as cancer, thanks Bill; they are tumors/masses to me, with names Thing 1 and Thing 2). Anyway, I temporarily lost it in my mind. All I heard was increase. My oncologist attempted to explain the results but everything after increase probably sounded like the adults on Charlie Brown (whomp, whomp, whomp). So we decided to ask to speak with the radiologist. He pulled up the scans to show us the increased area. Now, I know I am not a radiologist, a doctor, a scientist, or even a nutritionalist but I know that I know God. 1 Corinthians 1:27 But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise. I could not visually see the difference but I kept hearing increase,increase. After attempting to explain the results, the radiologist began to talk like I was going to die tomorrow. He said I should live life to fullest and enjoy every moment going on to say “If you are a movie buff, now is the time to catch some great movies this summer”. I only listened because I’m sure he has to talk to patients often about their results and has to find something to say to uplift their spirits. I started to “go in” and tell him who I was and my position in Christ but I knew he had other patients to attend to one of which was already on the table (ready for procedure).
We came home and the house was quiet for a while, then finally Moya asked, “honey are you alright?” And I said yes but still confused. God had given my heart peace but my mind was on overdrive. Then I pulled out my copy of the results. The first thing I realized was centimeters. I was thinking inches. So I got the calculator to convert centimeters to inches so that I could know exactly what was happening on the inside of my body. Well as it turns out the increase in size is equivalent to 0.2 inches. I thought to myself , WHAT!!!!! I have allowed my mind to drive me up a wall for 0.2 inches. I thought was that even necessary to report!! The report goes on to say that the nodular consolidation in the lower lobe is unchanged from the prior exam which I totally overlooked. Then I had to settle down and think. This is how physicians are trained and this is also that fear that we all have when it comes to sickness and disease. For a moment it seemed as if they just had to find something to say to discourage natural treatment, but I knew it wasn’t the radiologist directly having it out for me. Even, the enemy has to ask for permission to test my faith. And while it may have been tested, I will not allow this feeling to every overcome me again.
In the days to come I was reminded of the story of David and Goliath. When David was preparing to fight Goliath, the king offered him a sword and shield and David refused the king’s form of preparation for the fight. David knew he had the King of Kings on his side and to trust what God had given him; his slingshot and his rocks. Oh what a testimony! I will not continue to take the doctor’s offering with me to fight only what my God has given me. I said this in the very beginning, fighting this disease with the provisions God has given me to heal my body, the foods and herbs of this earth. This earth in which He created everything. Please read Genesis 1:29 and Psalms 103:2-5. I had to fall on my face to ask for forgiveness for allowing my faith to waiver. This is exactly was happened, I allowed the doubt to creep in just a little and found that just a little is all it takes. More so just a little more faith is all it takes as well. I was the lost sheep Jesus spoke of in Luke 15:1-7 but what great joy has been found in my return.
THE FAITH ZONE
These are Moya’s words. I have invited him to guest blog when he likes but have resorted to recording him sometimes when he speaks. He thinks this is weird but how else could I remember everything he is saying. I know when God is using him to speak to my spirit. I thought I would share with you guys today.
One has to be so undeniable sure that your faith is so strong that there is no need for verification from man. When we seek verification from and of man, faith is now undermined by worldly standards. You’re saying to the others I’ll show you verses your life being the testimony. The results of the test is placing things back in mans’ hands. When Jesus came and started healing people and doing miraculous things like walking on the water and calming the storms. He looked at the disciples and was like why are you so surprised, you can do the same things. He wasn’t frustrated but wanted to know why is it that we don’t simply get it. It’s the power that we have when God breathe the breath of life into man. Even with sin and the fall of man; Man has a contract with God. Yes we have all sinned but it does not negate the response to our faith. It took for me see an actual mustard seed. It’s very simplistic, when God says something it’s so powerful that it’s already done for the ages. So all we have to do is activate God’s word in our lives by just having the faith. Faith is so powerful that if we really know how to activate and stand on faith, there is nothing we can not do. We can say mountain be moved and it falls into the ocean. Nowadays, we don’t quite activate that faith. Doubt and fear has squandered our believe. We think how stupid we will look to others if I say mountain go into the water so we don’t speak, we don’t activate faith. We have got to get back to faith because God choses certain people to face certain obstacles in our lives to have the kind of strong faith not even for ourselves but perhaps for someone else.
What I got from this is, I can no longer say God I trust you but man help me. There are times when God will allow my fellow man to help, assist, and carry me but it will always be in Him whom I trust. He will speak directly to me in every situation provided I give all to Him. In closing I will leave you with this scripture:
Mark 10:45 For even the Son o f Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
Activate you faith TODAY!!!!!! It may be a good service to your neighbor.
Love and Faith,